Forging another return, yet again

It’s been a long time since I last posted anything. A time which has made me pretty overladen- in all collateral dimensions possible: physical, financial, social, emotional, philosophical, intellectual, and most importantly ideological. Perhaps this new shift had its origins in June when I was called for interviews at two reputed universities, and subsequently I miserably turned out to an absolute no one. In fact I have now learnt to accept this as a natural corollary to my inaptitude. That experience and the inevitable knowledge that I have to spend at least one year at home ‘preparing’ for the forthcoming exams had enough of latex to bring in a momentaneous slump as I was taken aback at most trivial of occurrences - be it the technical glitches of my service proprietor, or the spicy side of an oily curry. So much was this consternation that I was deemed to declare myself unfit for a proper and disciplined way of life.

Then came the August in its flourishing supply of good luck, at least momentarily- for I got a small job, an odd one to be honest, at a newspaper. Though I was foolish enough to think myself capable enough to carry on the job in style I proved to be otherwise, justifiably though. All the flagrant ideas that I had, which I vowed to put to use, before joining seemed to evaporate at an embarrassing rate, and once again I was the banker with a debit card but no cash balance! So frustration haunted me agian as I let myself slump into a mire of hopelessness, pondering over all wrong decisions I had taken so far.

Besieged in this curfew of my thoughts I squandered away my precious time watching documentaries and trying to inspire myself from the biographies of greats- never quite realizing that the great had their own great ways and I am no great at all. Self conjured lectures followed, unconditionally transferred over the phone to my soul-mate, who was magnanimous to listen to all crap, and never get upset even though I barked like a mad, but overfed, bull dog.

And so I kept on sneaking for opportunities, not professional or monetary ones, but those which would propel me out of the slump. This included taking a claustrophobic bus ride through the busy and crowded streets of Burrabazar on the eve of the Lakshmi Puja to get the essence of a Calcutta infested mainly by outsiders- generally known to the civilized Bengali as ‘meros’ and ‘biharis’- a move which I justified as a giant step to understand the term ‘culture’ in all its eclectic possibilities and tendencies. Battling asthma, which I had inherited long back but only realized as late as this year, I sniffed around high drains, forbidden streets- not quite doing anything though, coffee houses, shopping centres, just to energise myself and free my intellect of that never ebbing tide of cabin fever. From the posh to the filthy, I treaded all. From the famous and the rich to the game keeper out of his job- I met and talked to all. From software engineers to BPO out-sourcing fellows I lived with all, and still I was inundated in that one endemic- confusion, nurtured by an ideological despair. From Lennon to Knopfler, from Beatles to Bob Dylan- I listened to all to cajole myself out of the slump and attain a much sought after sublimity, with no success obviously.

But it was that one resilience to pen down ‘my bloody problems’ in an old diary which provided me a way out. Now I have a clear head, and I know what to do- people close to me are aware of it. Not that I am sure that I will succeed, but at least ideologically, and that is the most important, I know what I am and what I would become. I have a clearer focus if not the clearest, and I have resumed my flow to write- and that gives me immense pleasure to get back to this silly blog and share whatever I can.

As a token of this I present to you a poem which I wrote in the message box of my cell phone, in three separate message drafts, on my way back home. Though this poem needs to be edited, and which I will surely do I put this up as my friend Sayantan feels so.

I welcome myself back to this world of virtual permanence.